I wish it was just a nightmare

I am a Russian photographer. I left Russia on the 4th of March 22. This is my personal story in the context of the war in Ukraine, visualization of my mental state and trauma caused by the events.

The war in Ukraine, which began on February 24, 2022 at the whim of the President of Russia, overnight ruined the lives of thousands of people.

Almost immediately after the outbreak of hostilities, the government of Russia issued decrees that completely cut off the oxygen for free journalists, forbidding them to cover events from a truthful and disadvantageous side for the Russian politicians. Publications and magazines began to close, freedom of speech ceased to exist. As a freelance journalist, I had to leave Russia on March 4, 2022 to avoid the risk of detention.

Like other Russians who do not support the war, I have left for nowhere, taking only a backpack and hopes for changes with me. I have left tormented by guilt and shame, which still haunt me at every step.

Every single day since my departure I have been seeing nightmares. However the news from the frontline and Ukrainian cities are even more unbearable and frightening.

I still can’t believe that all these events are real. This is what I see.

The current project is based on red self-portaiture which visualize my nightmares and explore the feelings of shame and guilt. I have also used the drawings from diary which I have been keeping since my departure from Russia and screen shots of news from Ukraine and frontline. All these layers create my personal space and allow viewer to delve deep into my mental state.

I also hope that this work will show that not all the Russians support this terrible war and are zombified by propaganda.