I forgot to breathe

Through image and text, this project deals with my personal reflections on the transition of time, rumination on (risk of) loss, and attempts to deconstruct the resulting feelings i had to confront.

***

As i slowly open my eyes, shivers cover my petite body

wondering, where i am again and what day is it now?

Next to me, already scrolling through the news and with better idea of which day it is, it is him.

I think about him all the time,

yet he is right next to me.

I roll reluctantly over to the side and look through the window, where

now in summer (i think) dark green leaves show through the curtain

of the same color.

As i navigate clumsily, he asks if he should make coffee. it is the same question, at the same hour everyday.

And i say yes, everyday.

We meet in the kitchen, i manage not to bump into the fridge, but bump into the chair anyway,

where the coffee smell is being absorbed by the senses.

He is up and running, his mind and body fully woken up

and after so many years,

i still wonder how he does it.

I move through the small hallway, half dressed,

on my way to see myself in the mirror. it’s place is now in the living room.

I don’t remember why anymore.

Across my eyes, on the wall, in comes this beautiful light and creates small trapezoid shape, each day sitting a bit lower.

I admire for a second, then i remember the unusually scorching north summer

and rush to close the window, and hide that light with a curtain

that we changed too many times.

We kiss goodbye.

He goes to the makeshift office, i go to the real one.

It is while alone when my mind gets busy. the busier it gets, the more confused i am. Is it possible to think of so many things at once? I think, while thinking about many other things. The busiest is at night, right before i close my eyes, in the bed next to the dark green curtain.

I feel so small, so irrelevant.

Time goes forward yet it doesn’t feel like it.

I am unable to experience time.

Except for those couple new white hairs in my eyebrows. Why there first,

my mind wanders off to the next thought.

I am scared of getting old. I am scared of my mortality.

And then i think about him again. Then everything becomes irrelevant, i am petrified of his mortality.

As i slowly open my eyes, shivers cover my petite body

wondering, where i am again and what day is it now?

Next to me, already scrolling through the news and with better idea of which day it is, it is him.

I think about him all the time,

yet he is right next to me.