Hell

I am exploring depression, grief, aloneness, and strangeness through portraiture and landscape. I give recognition to the nebulousness of my history, memory and current experience. I work mainly with medium format and 4x5 films.

Hell is very much created from and about my lifelong depression. I began this project with curiosity around where this schism stems from (trauma, environment, chemistry, capitalism/patriarchy) and also how my romantic relationships have eased and exacerbated it - specifically with men who also experience depression. When I began to work out my ideas on this project last summer, I experienced an acute depressive episode and I heavily considered suicide. The last self portrait with my camera in the window was actively made during this time.

This "story" is divided into 3 chapters (life, aging, death) with the first chapter focused on discovering love, mysticism, and darkness. In chapter one, I see myself as Alice dabbling in love and darkness and following my fascination down the rabbit hole. The burned self-portraits are a nod to the self-harm I engaged in when I was young. In chapter two, I lose footing and control. The images begin to take on a more grimacing tone. Death becomes a definite and destined element of life, not a vague idea of an event in some far off future. In chapter three, I am drowning, I feel empty and I am in Hell. It seems there is no way out. The final self portrait is a representation of me 'shooting myself' along with a suicide note of sorts, followed by the death process.

The caverns, the elements, and representations of energy, are all used as portals in and out of my state of being. Throughout the book, witches are used as a representation of femininity (as witches are everything a woman is - powerful, inherently evil, dangerous, magical, earthly and unearthly, a threat to patriarchy) and they serve to guide and protect me even after death. Overall, this book is the physical manifestation of my processing grief and trauma using photography. It is not finished yet, but it is ready to be completed soon. I would really love to work with PhMuseum on this. Thank you for your time.