Don't Be This Way Forever

This series of images acts as a visual diary seeking to confront my various, tumultuous relationships in my hometown, while also providing an intimate reflection on the American midwest as my home.

When I talk about where I’m from, I often talk about the brutal winters that cripple much of the American Midwest for four to five months of the year. Maybe it’s the fact that the days turn to night so early, or the bone chilling winter windchill. I try to describe the blinding landscape, how the uncloaked sun reflects off barren corn fields, blanketed by endless sheets of frozen over snow. I tell people that I don’t visit home because I can’t stand the winters. I’m never honest.

I rarely talk about how the thought of home, the thought of Iowa, immediately makes me think of my estranged mother, my 90 year old grandmother who I’ve been putting off calling, Logan and the other friends who passed away too early in their lives, or the deep feelings of resentment and longing that defined most of my adolescence. I never liked myself in Iowa and I hate who I am when I go back to visit. The few times I’ve gone back, I often turn to old habits and routines, maybe to avoid confronting my past or the situations that many loved ones still living in town have found themselves in. I dreamt for many years of running away from this place and never looking back. I think this place ended up defining who I am. I’m not sure if that’s for better or worse, or how to talk about that sentiment. I guess that’s what these pictures have always tried to figure out.