Am I not scared anymore?

© Sergei Stroitelev - Image from the Am I not scared anymore? photography project © Sergei Stroitelev - Image from the Am I not scared anymore? photography project © Sergei Stroitelev - Image from the Am I not scared anymore? photography project View all images ↓
View all images ↓

About 55 thousand cases of breast cancer are identified in Russia every year - that's a lot. Behind statistics there are stories of thousands of women.

When a patient is diagnosed with cancer, not only surgery is important, but also mental state after the operation. First of all, this is hard emotional work - the process of accepting a new body: from first steps to first look in the mirror, chemotherapy and hair loss. It is a process of fighting the fear of death or that people around won't accept you anymore.

In the project "Am I not scared anymore?" brave women tell their stories sharing thoughts about what happened to them. They also pose for a portrait in a way they feel comfortable and in the image which defines their emotional state.

The diagnosis and following post-surgery processes transformed their personality - they changed their attitude towards themselves, their femininity, time and priorities. This project which consists of heroines' portraits and images visualizing their dreams is a powerful message to all women who couldn't accept themselves after mastectomy. It's about the fight with beauty cliches and stereotypical perception of a woman's body.

© Sergei Stroitelev - Image from the Am I not scared anymore? photography project
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Mirror that reflects a plant which one of the characters saw in her dreams. First look at the mirror is one of the most difficult steps to take after the operation. All the women feel desperate after that - acceptance come after long time.

© Sergei Stroitelev - Image from the Am I not scared anymore? photography project
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For most women with this diagnosis nude photography is not possible for a number of reasons, including total rejection of a new body. But portrayed women decided to take this step thus trying to reach other women in the same situation who still cannot accept themselves.

© Sergei Stroitelev - Image from the Am I not scared anymore? photography project
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Natalia: “I felt a lump in my chest in 2012. Then the ground disappeared from under my feet, I was not ready for this diagnosis. I didn't even think that at the age of 29 this could happen to me. I did not know how my husband would react to complete breast removal – it was already small. When he came up to me, I shrank inside however he never reprimanded me. After a while, I found a lump in the second breast. To put it mildly, I was depressed. The second breast was also removed. After the operation, I could not look calmly in the mirror and still do not do it very often. The first time I was able to step over myself in a spa center in Germany, where I had to completely undress, but Russian people are not ready for this. I really want to believe that cancer can be treated, that there will still be some years of remission and I will see how my daughter grows up, how she will get married. I am setting myself up for old age.”

© Sergei Stroitelev - Image from the Am I not scared anymore? photography project
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Elena: "I was diagnosed with cancer a year ago. I recalled the words of a friend who said - for people like you, 99% will be all right, but there it was. Before the operation, there was a terrible fear, even thoughts that I did not need the breast - only life. I looked at the mirror at home for the first time. The seam was terrible, but I took it quite calmly. Then there was chemotherapy. I knew that on the 14-15th day hair should fall out. I remember that my friend and I were at Kuindzhi's exhibition with his white canvases, I straightened my hair and stayed with a shred in my palm. Disease makes you look at your environment in a different way - you part with unnecessary people. My life now is a blank slate, a white canvas like Kuindzhi's painting."

© Sergei Stroitelev - Image from the Am I not scared anymore? photography project
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Anna: "I found out my diagnosis in Summer 2014. The doctor said "baby, you have cancer" in a calm and gentle voice. I went out into the corridor, tears spilled from me - it was necessary to release emotions. It took ages from diagnosis to surgery - seven months; I had chemotherapy before. I perceived external changes as an experiment with appearance and style. The operation happened - extensive and traumatic. Previously I was obsessed with fitness and had many complexes. When the breasts were removed I looked at myself and thought - perfection itself. When you stand on the edge of the abyss, you begin to appreciate your uniqueness. I think that men are afraid of entering close relations with me. I had one when my partner found out my diagnosis - he left. I don't blame him: he was afraid to fall in love, and then to lose. "

© Sergei Stroitelev - An image of a sewn scar in the sky which Anna saw in her dreams.
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An image of a sewn scar in the sky which Anna saw in her dreams.

© Sergei Stroitelev - Scar left after mastectomy.
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Scar left after mastectomy.

© Sergei Stroitelev - Image from the Am I not scared anymore? photography project
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Katya: "I was diagnosed recently - at the end of March last year. There were a lot of plans, I didn’t believe until the last, didn’t want to believe. Before the operation, I began to read, study, hoped that everything would be fine. There wasn’t much fear - I am myself a very calm person. To be honest, I still don’t understand whether I accepted my new body or not - at times there is acceptance, and then depression: you try to somehow get lost in the cycle of affairs, but sometimes it is really hard. After the operation, chemotherapy began - it affected my skin a lot. About hair, I also knew that they would fall out. I shaved them off and bought a wig. The disease changes. I began to notice life around, value very simple things." Katya is taking off her wig which she usually wears publicly and during her working hours.

© Sergei Stroitelev - Katya's co-workers still do not know about her diagnosis.
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Katya's co-workers still do not know about her diagnosis.

© Sergei Stroitelev - Image from the Am I not scared anymore? photography project
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Anya: "I was diagnosed on April 13, 2016. I could not realize it. My sister was very scared, because our parents died of cancer. She saw my gaze, we sat on the sofa and began to cry in silence. Then there was chemotherapy. It was horrifying. Probably due to the fact that I had almost no weight. It was a war - you just had to survive this moment, since there is no turning back. Then I lost my hair. But the adoption of a new body still did not happened. You look in the mirror, and there is a huge scar. For five years before the illness, I worked in the public service, there was a lot of stress and I decided to quit. Now I am more attracted to my dreams and emotional health."

© Sergei Stroitelev - Torso with red threads and a flower which Anya saw in her dreams. She believes it means her rebirth.
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Torso with red threads and a flower which Anya saw in her dreams. She believes it means her rebirth.