All that we _has_

Lena, the protagonist of "All that we _has_", lives in the System of People. She has DID, dissociative identity disorder. Dissociative identity disorder is a cerebral defense mechanism that forms during childhood when we are subject to long-lasting recurring trauma. In response to it, our brain forms separate identities to protect us, to let us survive. It is like sharing your body with other people, simply swapping the body and having different minds.

When we got to know each other, all she agreed to was to talk about DID. Our relationship evolved, first through text messages, then also thanks to meetings at Zoom and in real life, to become friends. One day Lena said: “I would like to see all of us together in one photo.” We had to start by externalizing all these People. Lena and the People in her System were closed-off at that time and they couldn’t step in front of my camera. We decided that my good friend – an excellent actress of the young generation – Anna Próchniak, would do it. We planned the photoshoot to take place in my home studio, and my sister, makeup artist Pola Banecka, was responsible for the make-up. Thus, we created an intimate circle of women, a safe space. Lena felt safe. I was creating the People of the System upon Lena’s descriptions and directions, and I also knew some of them personally. Thanks to costumes, make-up, and, as I call it, graphic personification as well as acting incarnations of Anna Próchniak, we created the first version of the People of Lena’s System, 9 images.

Observing these actions, Lena decided that she wanted to participate in the whole process herself. The costume is one of the elements that create the identity, so it was very important that the People of the System would fully accept how they looked. I watched the makeup process through the eye of my camera. In the documentary video System, I show fragments of the makeup process and the moments when Lena (or, in some cases, People of the System) sees themselves for the first time, dressed and ready, in a mirror. They fronted one by one, not everyone though. Some of the People never make their presence visible, so we relied on Lena’s feedback: it’s ok / I need a shorter fringe / I need a different skirt / it’s wonderful. Who felt best in their skin – we can see that. Through graphic personification, I obtained portraits of People as close as possible to the way they see themselves.

Being a great actress, Anna did a tremendous job embodying the People from the System, but we can still see it as acting. In the portraits where Lena poses, the truth is there. I thought it was important to confront these two stages, to not shorten the process to only the final outcome.

The creation of the group picture was an important stage. In the documentary video, Lena, the protagonist of my project recalls: “I was able to show this picture to my dad and say: look, this is us. This is what it looks like in my head.” She also says that participation in the project helped her accept the diagnosis. When we met, it had been only for six months that Lena knew she had DID. At the moment when we started cooperation and, as it turned out later, the creation of a friendship, I didn’t know yet whether my actions would be therapeutic, and it also wasn’t my goal. The main assumption related to ethical doubts was: “first, do no harm” and that is why we preceded the start of the project with consultations with professionals, like psychologist Justyna Ratajczak, among others. They gave us the green light.

Antonina: I’m very happy that I met you.

Lena: I’m happy that I met you too.

And I’m not the only one who is happy.

______________

/the series was a part of my Ph.D. project/

______________

Lena’s ~ 13

At the moment, Lena’s System is thirteen People. One of them does not have an anthropomorphic superficiality. Apart from Lena, the following alters live in the System:

Duch (Ghost) /dux/

Ghost is ethereal and silent. They have not appeared in the System for a long time. Ghost is a so-called suicidal alter. Some people with DID have a suicidal identity in the System. When I found out about their existence, I realized how delicate and difficult the topic I decided to talk about was. I spoke to Lena about Ghost. She said that when she feels this alter is close, she seeks help.

Amylea

Amylea is an alien. They can’t speak, they write in English. Appear rarely. Have no gender. They like order.

Mała (The Little One) / ‚ma.wa/

I met The Little One personally, talked to her at least several times, and looked after her several times, too. You can see immediately when she appears. The Little One is eight years old. She doesn’t say much. She is adorable and likes what many children of her age do: sweets and toys. She often takes over when the System experiences stressful situations. She can also be “called out” when Lena is being addressed in an excessively sweet tone.

Ella

Ella is the alter with the greatest manual skills in the System. Lena’s house is decorated with watercolors and sketches made by Ella. She is creative and supportive. She can’t eat sugar. She’s pansexual. Her age is fluid.

Julek

Julek is thirteen years old. He’s a transsexual boy. I can recognize when he’s fronting. He has a strong need to emphasize his individuality. He’s a troublemaker.

Lila

Lena describes Lila as a sexual alter. She has a higher voice than Lena and is a very confident 19-year-old.

Em

Em is both a persecutor and a protector. A sixteen-year-old rebel who, as Lena says, covers her fear with aggression. She used to harm the System’s body, but it rarely happens now. She protects the System by asking many questions – she needed to know in detail what prompted me to explore the topic of DID.

Pola

Pola is an alter that accumulates experiences related to one of the traumas experienced by the System, a trauma holder. She is twenty-one years old. Her stomach hurts a lot. She is scared and speaks very softly. I can easily tell when she is fronting. Her voice, like the voices of Julek and Mała, is very different from the others.

Edek

Edek is a 25-year-old bodyguard of the System. He never fronts, but Lena communicates with him. She says he has started smiling recently. He is a warm, kind person.

Niemowlę (Baby)

Lena knows little about Baby. She has recently started to have flashes that may reveal more details related to Baby, but at the moment this is information that the System is trying to verify.

Ildefons

So far, this is the only alter known by System that doesn’t have an anthropomorphic superficiality. He’s a turtle, but he talks. He also revealed his name – Ildefons. He revealed himself while Lena and I were building our relationship.

Szary (Gray)

Gray is an alter that was present in the past. Now they are only a shadow. Lena didn’t want to talk about them.