All Roads Lead to Salvation

© Arrayah Loynd - HOLDING PATTERN #1 - Sixteen years in limbo, a life stuck in a holding pattern of pain and loss with no end in sight

Dates

2024 - 2025
Author

Arrayah Loynd
Locations Australia, Melbourne

This body of work is a personal story; a visual telling of the mental and physical impacts of living with chronic pelvic pain while dealing with medical misogyny, misinformation, and incompetence

In a medical system where women’s pain is either dismissed or not taken seriously, I have had to learn how to advocate for myself and my needs. It is a constant battle and one that is proving very difficult to win. Sixteen years in limbo, a life stuck in a holding pattern of pain and loss with no end in sight.

There is only a thin membrane between what the world sees and the lived reality of my life. I may seem fine as I mask the pain, but if you excavate, even just a little, you will find it is all completely raw. I am lost in the ebb and flow of pain, of heartbreak and despair.
I am angry. I am difficult. I am defeated.

HOLDING PATTERN #1 - Sixteen years in limbo, a life stuck in a holding pattern of pain and loss with no end in sight

ALL ROADS LEAD TO SALVATION - it was a promise and a lie. So many medical specialists, all promising answers and all leading to nowhere

PAIN AS PUNISHMENT - It is far easier for medical specialists to continue prescribing ever more medications to mask symptoms rather than being medically curious enough to actually want to investigate the source of the pain.

HIGHLY UNLIKELY TO IMPOSSIBLE - I have had multiple appointments with multiple specialists (at great expense) only to be repeatedly told that it is highly unlikely to impossible that I have endometriosis because I am menopausal and have no uterus. This, despite not taking my medical history or performing even the most basic of physical exams.

THE WANDERING WOMB #1 - There is only a thin membrane between what the world sees and the lived reality of my life. I may seem fine as I mask the pain, but if you excavate, even just a little, you will find it is all completely raw.

I FEEL IT IN MY WATERS - The pain of pelvic and abdominal lesions binding my organs together in a relentless burning fury. It isn't visible on the surface and is therefore dismissed as not being real.

CAUSAL NEXUS - (Image printed, painted, waxed and then re-photographed) An Inflammatory response, a burning, twisting, stabbing pain that is all consuming.

THE PAIN GAP #1 - Women’s pain is poorly understood within the medical profession. This leads to women's pain being minimised, dismissed and mistreated.

THE PAIN GAP #2 - Women’s pain is poorly understood within the medical profession. This leads to women's pain being minimised, dismissed and mistreated.

FALSE PROMISE, START AGAIN - Another specialist, another theory, another test, another inconclusive result.

HYSTERIA ONLY OCCURS UNDER THE CONDITIONS OF REPRESSION - Hysteria: Ungovernable emotional excess. My request to see my medical notes from a gynaecologist revealed the following: 'Has a history of mental illness.' I never saw him again

REDUCTIVE - Tending to present a subject or problem in a simplified form, especially one viewed as crude

HOLDING PATTERN #2 - Sixteen years in limbo, a life stuck in a holding pattern of pain and loss with no end in sight

THE WANDERING WOMB #2 - Originally credited to Hippocrates, the theory of the wandering womb attributes the displaced womb as the source of hysteria, incompetence and irrational behaviour in women.

SING THE SONG, PLAY THE GAME, DON'T BREATHE - I deeply traumatised from so many years of medical misogyny and gaslighting that I have a PTSD response and dissociate before, during and after every medical appointment.

NO END IN SIGHT - I have experienced a lifetime of pain, of seeking answers and I am still no closer to finding the help that I desperately need.