You Don't Know What I am Thinking

Since 2022, I have taken portraits of over 40 children who had recovered from leukemia. This project aims to enable children undergoing leukemia treatment to see that it brings them the confidence and hope to overcome the disease.

The photos were taken between 2022 and 2024. The people photographed are all children who have recovered from leukemia. Each person is photographed with his/her eyes closed, recalling the most memorable moment of his/her five years of leukemia treatment. 

What was that moment about? As a photographer, I don't know, and I don't want to ask. 

It's their secret. 

I want to title this series of photographs, You Don't Know What I am Thinking. 

The first idea to shoot was from Li Ruiling. 

She is a head nurse at Zhangzhou Hospital in Fujian province. In the summer of 2022, I went to the Qixinghai Beach in Zhangzhou City to photograph the children's beach party recovering from leukemia. Seeing a dozen healthy and active children a day rushing to the sea, eating barbecue, listening to music, such a shooting could not be more healing for me. 

Before farewell, Li Ruiling told me: "These photos you took today, we will send to the parents of children newly diagnosed with leukemia this year, to help them build confidence to overcome the disease.” 

This information came as a complete surprise to me. I had no idea that a photo shoot could have such a big impact. After all, there are two key points in the cancer matter: first, to have money, and second, to have the confidence to win. 

My camera is really useful. It's good to take photos. 

By photographing the treatment and death of children with the deadly disease since May 2018 in China, I tried to face and understand the love during the dying moment. This is a step everyone must take in life. I also recorded the anxious and helpless moments of children and their families fighting leukemia. If a child cannot be cured, after obtaining the consent of the parents and the child, I will use the camera to make a photographic record of hospice care and leave an album of the last stage of the child's life on earth. At present, I have raised over 5 million yuan for the medical treatment of more than 50 leukemia patients in Fujian Province through photography. Over the past seven years, I have come to realize that for me, the highest value of photography in life is to try to save a life.

Every year, about 200 underage leukemia patients live in rented accommodations near the Union Hospital in the capital of Fujian province. They don’t have enough money to travel to Beijing for the best treatment, so they have to be treated in Fujian. Most of them are in debt from treatment for leukemia and have lost their families.

For leukemia patients under the age of 14, the cure rate in China is about 80%. Every family unfortunate enough to suffer from this serious illness wishes they were the lucky 80%, not the miserable 20%. It is not an exceptionally high cure rate. After all, 2 out of every 10 children die. Once a parent loses a child, the pain lasts for every day of the rest of their lives. And parents are likely to divorce because it's too painful. They also change their phone numbers and addresses to make a clean break with painful memories of the past.

In three years, I've been to beach parties for kids recovering from leukemia 3 times. I drove more than 9,500 kilometers in Fujian Province, walked into more than 40 families, met many cured leukemia patients, and took images for them. 

In early July this year, I will attend the seaside party for children who have recovered from leukemia for the fourth time. For four consecutive years, I have confirmed that this shoot every summer is my favorite photography work throughout the year.

Compared with their respective tortuous course of fighting the disease, taking this closed-eye photo is a ritualistic interaction of the rest of life after the disaster, because in any case, the physical pain and mental trauma on the road to cancer cannot be felt by non-witnesses. How many vicissitudes can be read from these young faces with their eyes closed should be a matter of opinion, but they bravely exposed this moment of ‘dialogue’ with themselves to the camera. This is a long five-year war against cancer; some people unfortunately fall, and some people become the winners of the life-and-death struggle. But victory does not mean the end of the troubles. The shadow and discrimination that the disease can bring still loom for the rest of the cured person's life. 

Susan Sontag wrote in The Metaphor of Sickness: ‘We are born citizens of the kingdom of health, but sooner or later we will enter another kingdom called sickness.’ To understand disease correctly is to understand human beings themselves. However, there are many deviations in Chinese society's cognition of leukemia: Some landlords are reluctant to rent their houses to leukemia patients; Some doctors keep a sofa in the consulting room in case a patient's parents suddenly collapse in despair after giving the diagnosis, When a child recovers and returns to kindergarten, other kindergarten parents may band together to demand that the child withdraw, or else they will take their children to another school with a refund. 

Ignorance breeds fear, and fear breeds discrimination. STIGMA eventually becomes a lingering nightmare for some patients who have recovered from leukemia. But the point is that no one should be ashamed of having any disease. They should not be discriminated against. It doesn't matter if it's the flu, COVID-19, or leukemia. Besides, no one in this world doesn't get sick. 

While making these portraits, I also made short documentary films of four of the patients who had recovered from leukemia. They all said the same three things to my camera: 

‘I am healed. 

Don't be afraid, leukemia is not contagious. 

We wear masks just because our immunity is low.’ 

That's why they're willing to face my camera. They hope that their portraits will be seen by more children in the world who are still fighting leukemia, bringing them luck, and strength of recovery: I HAVE BEATEN LEUKEMIA, BELIEVE IN YOURSELF, AND YOU WILL ALSO RECOVER!’ 

In 2024, some of the photos from this photography project were exhibited at the Photo Beijing 2024 photography exhibition. They were also published in renowned media such as Southern Person Weekly and Caixin Weekly. Through extensive online dissemination, many people from leukemia families left comments under the photos, such as:

‘May my son have good luck!

I'm about to enter the transplant ward. Wish me good luck!

Treating leukemia is so difficult. Seeing these photos, we also gained the courage to live on!’

My photography was aimed at bringing hope to those still undergoing leukemia treatment. Their comments confirmed that my photography ultimately achieved its purpose.

If this photography project wins the PhMuseum 2025 Photobook Award, it will be a significant recognition and encouragement for my photography work. The more than 40 portrait photos I have taken over the past four years are sufficient to support the production of a photography book. My ultimate goal is to take portraits of 100 children who have recovered from leukemia.

THIS PHOTOGRAPHY BOOK WILL ALSO BECOME AN IMPORTANT WEAPON IN THE FIGHT AGAINST SOCIAL DISCRIMINATION ON LEUKEMIA PATIENTS. I will give the published book to each of the participants who have overcome leukemia. 

They are my friends. They are true fearless warriors.