Seemingly Sound

It was supposed to give me all the answers, yet I was left in a void filled with doubts, weighed down by the memories of a tomorrow, lost forever.

The victorious man in the day of crisis is the man who has the serenity to accept what he cannot help and the courage to change what must be altered.

- The Serenity Prayer, Reinhold Niebuhr.

In December of 2022, I received the news that I was most likely suffering from a chronic, autoimmune disorder called Ankylosing Spondylitis. It was the day before Christmas Eve, and I was sitting on the edge of my bed with what was supposed to be the answers to all my questions in my hands. However, what I didn't know at the time was that this was just the beginning of an even longer and more uncertain journey. 

In March 2023 it was official, and with my diagnosis came a lot of confusion. I felt like I had lost a piece of who I was. I felt lost. All of a sudden, I was suffering from an incurable illness, but I didn't feel ill. I don't look ill. At least, that's what I had been told. Kept being told. Despite the chronic fatigue and a sense of helplessness, I could not get this statement out of my head. You don't look ill. I was 23 years old, just about to start my life, but still felt like I had been robbed of my youth. Paradoxically, I struggled (and still do) to fully believe and accept my sickness. Dazed, I turned to my camera to try to make sense of these conflicting emotions. 

It has been almost 2 years since my diagnosis, and I'm still trying to find direction in this new life, accepting what can't be changed and trying to change what can. This ongoing project deals with the reality of living with an invisible illness by painting these struggles on a canvas, making them visible; it is also a manner of crafting something, turning loss into opportunity, taking something back as something was taken from me. It shows the ebbs and flows of living a life where tomorrow is uncertain and today, unsteady.

It's about being at your lowest whilst being seemingly sound.