no sex__no glory

This story is about love, about relationships, about long-term relationships to be precise. And about sex. Because I think those two belong together: a relationship and sex.

This story is my personal search in images and text for the answer to the question: what is the importance of sexuality in a long-term relationship? Looking at media and hearing and reading many experts, it is an impossible combination. Routine, life as a brother and sister, hassle. But that does not apply to partner P and me. I don't recognize myself at all. I wonder: Is sex unimportant in a long relationship and am I the odd one out or is it all more nuanced? To find answers, I delve deep into the scientific literature*, I talk to scientists, document how sexual research is implemented and run. And I photographed myself and my partner in intimate situations.

My story has different layers: my personal and scientific quest for the answer on the importance of sexuality and secondly the one of female sexuality.

Science and intimacy

What struck me during the making of this story was the discrepancy between the warm intimacy of a couple and the chilly coldness of the research. This kind of research, about sexuality, is rather delicate. Though the places and rooms where the research is taken place, have the opposite atmosphere. Sometimes there are piled boxes in a room, there are wires everywhere. It made me wonder if this is taken into account and how valid the outcomes are. To what extend are people influenced and thus influence the outcome?

During my search I stumbled upon a lot of myths, some of them are well known, some lesser. By showing and telling my story I debunked them. No, we don’t have sex on an average more than twice a week. So don’t try to comply with that ‘rule’, also not to ‘satisfy’ your partner. No, it is not normal to have pain when you have sex. Tell your partner to take more time. Yes, vaginal orgasms are rare – if it even exist. So don’t feel a ‘lesser’ woman if you haven’t experienced that. And yes the ‘boring routine’-thing during a long-term relationship exists. But just a little tweaking is enough. And, most important: sex is important to keep your long-term relationship healthy. Because the neurotransmitters that are released during and after sex make you feel much closer to each other, deepens your connection with your partner. People who have a healthy sex life seem to happier, their relationship is also more sustainable.

Female sexuality

This story is a new narrative when it comes to sex and women, older women in particular.

It is still not common that women photograph themselves in intimate situations. We are supposed to be the model not the photographer. We are supposed to undergo not to take the lead, let alone to enjoy. We are supposed to be young when we are shown naked not old. I break with all these rules. I’m not such a young woman anymore – mid 50’s- but I do show my body. No filter of course. And you can see I enjoy sex, sometimes I take the lead, sometimes I undergo.

The reactions I had were almost all divided along gender lines: men felt (very) uncomfortable. Their reaction varied from: 'I’m not interested in your sex' till: 'wow other couples might get jealous'. Women on the other hand looked at the visuals and started immediately a conversation with me. They told me they are really inspired by the pictures and started asking all kind of questions about the topic and sharing their experience.

It took me some time to get over my hesitation to publish the photos. I felt very vulnerable. What would others say? Would I feel uncomfortable to know that others would see me in this intimate situation? And what about presenting my project - being completely dressed yet intimate - or sexy for that matter- in the visuals?

Nevertheless…finally…I made, show and tell this story because I want to encourage (older) women to stand up for themselves, for their sexuality, to be clear what they like and dislike when it comes to sex, to stop them to confine themselves, empower them. This is who we are and this is what we stand for. IN every aspect of life.

Zine

The visuals you see are part of a zine. Together with the text I wrote, they cover my quest on the importance of sexuality in a long-term relation. The pdf you can see here (https://bit.ly/33TOEGa), this little video (https://bit.ly/3k66Z8C) shows what the zine looks like.

*Disclaimer: almost all the research that has been done on this topic is about heterosexual people. It is not mentioned whether the people involved are only white or also of colour.