Never Normal, Never Perfect, Never Loved

Explores the psychological experience of Anorexia Nervosa without depicting emaciated bodies, avoiding misconceptions of visible deformity, and traces the conflict between longing to escape the disorder and addiction to its illusion of control.

In my photo book "Never Normal, Never Perfect, Never Loved," I moved the lens back and forth to depict the mental and emotional experience, as well as the typical behaviors, of those living with Anorexia Nervosa (AN) at its most severe. I chose not to directly photograph emaciated bodies, as doing so risks reinforcing the misconception that anorexia is always accompanied by visible deformity and is inherently incompatible with an ordinary life. This, however, is far from the truth, and it is precisely this gap between perception and reality that the project seeks to address.

People trapped by anorexia are always two-sided. On one hand, they long to escape the eating disorder; on the other, they remain strangely addicted to a situation in which everything feels under control. These two conflicting impulses gradually tear them apart, pulling them away from being ordinary girls or boys who simply care a little about their appearance, and toward the edge of a mental illness. Longing to be loved yet never satisfied with their own bodies, they desperately attribute their social frustrations to physical imperfection. In time, the fear of gaining weight grows so overwhelming that it even outweighs the fear of death.

As William Blake wrote in "Auguries of Innocence,"

"To see a World in a Grain of Sand,
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower."

I believe that abstract scenes and objects can convey emotion with equal, if not greater, power than direct depiction. Throughout this narrative, metaphors are woven in to mark specific psychological stages, including overpowered, distorted, afraid, revealed, locked, and failed, tracing the gradual descent into, and eventual attempt to break free from, the disorder. With the rich detail and solemn atmosphere offered by 35mm black and white film, this project aims to give family members, friends, and loved ones a window into the inner suffering of those affected by anorexia, fostering deeper empathy and understanding for an experience so often misunderstood.