The Cedar Lodge | Shortlisted Project - PhMuseum 2020 Photographers Grant - PhMuseum

The Cedar Lodge

{"id":25720,"grant_id":13,"user_id":44807,"grant_submission_status_id":4,"grant_result_type_id":null,"cover_block_id":null,"story_id":23809,"place_id":null,"title":"The Cedar Lodge","excerpt":"<p>The Cedar Lodge is a visual investigation into my family's close-encounter with a serial killer in Yosemite Park when I was a young child.<\/p>","excerpt_raw":"The Cedar Lodge is a visual investigation into my family's close-encounter with a serial killer in Yosemite Park when I was a young child.","body":"<p>Growing up in Northern California with horticulturalist parents, Yosemite National Park was my family\u2019s Mecca, and in September of 1998 we took our first pilgrimage there. We stayed at the Cedar Lodge, a roadside motel. I returned to the park years later as a teenager pursuing my love of photography, excited to channel Ansel Adams and the other greats who came before me, in the birthplace of landscape photography. It\u2019s hard for me to comprehend human horrors in Yosemite, one of the most majestic natural places on this planet.\r<\/p><p>In 2014, my mom revealed that during our idyllic childhood vacation a man tried to break into our motel room in the middle of the night. My dad scared him away by yelling; my sister and I slept through the whole thing. Five months after our trip, four women were brutally murdered in Yosemite. Three of the women, a mother and two teenage girls, had disappeared from the Cedar Lodge. The confessed killer was the handyman there.\r<\/p><p>My mom didn't have the tools to process this encounter and the twist of fate that spared our family, and so the guilt and grief festered within her for fifteen years. Learning that four women were killed in a place I considered paradise was confounding, but that I could have been one of them wasn\u2019t something I could shake off or even really understand. I just knew I couldn\u2019t keep these feelings building within me, like my mom had. My tool for delving into myself has always been my art. \r<\/p><p>Through research and the gathering of images, I began to lay out the disjointed narratives that crossed paths at the Cedar Lodge. To understand and illustrate my place within, or rather alongside the tragedy, my connection and my disconnect, I made collages: fracturing, obscuring, and layering images that included the photos that my parents had taken in 1998 and my teenage landscapes. I approached the project from varying perspectives because of my own confusion, but also to illustrate that this wasn\u2019t really my story. This is not my trauma; we survived. The trauma I saw my mom go through does not compare to that of the families who lost their sisters, daughters, mothers. \r<\/p><p>To complete this project, I returned to The Cedar Lodge. I studied it closely and made new images of it. It\u2019s terrifying to come so close to a nightmare, but I found that as I put it on paper where I could see it, the history of the place became less of a threat. Yosemite and the Cedar Lodge became beautiful again.<\/p>","body_raw":"Growing up in Northern California with horticulturalist parents, Yosemite National Park was my family\u2019s Mecca, and in September of 1998 we took our first pilgrimage there. We stayed at the Cedar Lodge, a roadside motel. I returned to the park years later as a teenager pursuing my love of photography, excited to channel Ansel Adams and the other greats who came before me, in the birthplace of landscape photography. It\u2019s hard for me to comprehend human horrors in Yosemite, one of the most majestic natural places on this planet.\r\n\r\nIn 2014, my mom revealed that during our idyllic childhood vacation a man tried to break into our motel room in the middle of the night. My dad scared him away by yelling; my sister and I slept through the whole thing. Five months after our trip, four women were brutally murdered in Yosemite. Three of the women, a mother and two teenage girls, had disappeared from the Cedar Lodge. The confessed killer was the handyman there.\r\n\r\nMy mom didn't have the tools to process this encounter and the twist of fate that spared our family, and so the guilt and grief festered within her for fifteen years. Learning that four women were killed in a place I considered paradise was confounding, but that I could have been one of them wasn\u2019t something I could shake off or even really understand. I just knew I couldn\u2019t keep these feelings building within me, like my mom had. My tool for delving into myself has always been my art. \r\n\r\nThrough research and the gathering of images, I began to lay out the disjointed narratives that crossed paths at the Cedar Lodge. To understand and illustrate my place within, or rather alongside the tragedy, my connection and my disconnect, I made collages: fracturing, obscuring, and layering images that included the photos that my parents had taken in 1998 and my teenage landscapes. I approached the project from varying perspectives because of my own confusion, but also to illustrate that this wasn\u2019t really my story. This is not my trauma; we survived. The trauma I saw my mom go through does not compare to that of the families who lost their sisters, daughters, mothers. \r\n\r\nTo complete this project, I returned to The Cedar Lodge. I studied it closely and made new images of it. It\u2019s terrifying to come so close to a nightmare, but I found that as I put it on paper where I could see it, the history of the place became less of a threat. Yosemite and the Cedar Lodge became beautiful 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