Susanne Middelberg

2018 - Ongoing

The photographs from this series are made through my fear of going through loneliness.

Four years ago, after I became seriously ill, my partner told me that he didn’t know whether he would stay with me. He said he did not want to be with a sick woman.

We had had a long, loving relationship. I asked him not to give up on our love simply because, for the first time, we had to experience a difficult time. He said that I was right and that he would stay with me.

Two weeks after our conversation he cheated on me with a woman he had never met before. Then he left me to begin a relationship with her.

I lost all trust in the man I deeply loved. I lost trust in life and in myself because I truly had felt and believed that I was living with an honest and loving person. 

Still after 4 years the most difficult thing for me is fear, the fear that I cannot trust myself. I am grateful that I dare to love again. But I live in a continuous conflict on the one hand want to trust and dare to be vulnerable and also the fear to trust my own feelings.

I realize that loneliness is a deep sense of each of us. It is part of us whether we have people around us or not.

While knowing that I only can find confidence in myself if I am able to dwell on the feeling of loneliness my fear of pain is too tremendous to do so.

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