Ruta Kalmuka


Isolation is nothing strange to me; I have always felt well distancing from others. When carrying and nursing my children I lived in deliberate isolation and enjoyed the possibility of such a life. The past spring was unusual to all of us, and the need to isolate had a different meaning of course. Yet it was not difficult for me to live in seclusion. It was much more difficult to deal with different thoughts, complexes, anger, despair and other suppressed emotional moments that had been buried deep down long ago and now resurfaced. Also the feeling of loneliness that often overcomes me despite having a large family now arrived more often.

I wonder is it good or bad to feel lonely? And should one fight this feeling at all? In truth, I have always felt all those difficult and unsaid things somewhere inside me but haven’t had enough courage and time to do something with this baggage, to name it loudly and get rid of it. I came to a realization that perhaps I don’t even want to let it go, don’t want to seek help from therapists and talk about it. Rather I want to visualize these things and leave imprints of them: duplicates. Looking at these duplicates laid in paper form on the desk in front of me, I am relieved. And it is not about naming.

I love to make photographs slowly. Therefore I use large format camera, which indeed makes photography work as therapy. This time I used long ago expired Ektachrome Duplicating Film that made my work more unpredictable and prolonged the process of creating inner duplicates even more.

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