The last letter: what remains behind

T H E L A S T L E T T E R:

what remains behind

(nov,2021-ongoing)

Dear Sayuri, I'm writing to you for the last time, even with all the “what ifs”, to at least try to show beyond your suicide. And in the midst of a whirlwind of feelings and deafening silence, dealing with what is now a reality: you are gone.

Talking about suicide is still taboo, and yet, the poor amount of data available becomes hard to ignore. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), more than 800,000 people take their own lives per year, 98% of them suffering from a diagnosable mental disorder.

Imagine that only during the first year of the COVID-19 pandemic, the global prevalence of anxiety and depression increased by a massive 25%.

How can we ignore such numbers? They alone show us the urgency of talking about this subject. Numbers of which you, Sayuri, unfortunately, are now a part of. Numbers that are bigger than our pain, our tears, our sorrows.

“The last letter: what remains behind” is an ongoing photographic essay where an intimate narrative brings awareness to such a delicate matter, from the perspective of those who stayed. It is my last conversation with my dear old friend sharing the sad reality of this silent pain. Where its first goal is to produce relevant online content on the topic and a dummy photobook. Furthermore, together with a Brazilian NGO, contribute with social actions to promote awareness on the subject.

From experience, I know that many have never thought about all of this. But that doesn't make them immune, after all, there is also another side to suicide that remains, that survives in the people who continue to live and will have to learn to deal with all this emptiness.

So my dear friend Silvia, may our goodbyes be the beginning of a better manner to address such a major public health problem, hoping that we all can understand the urge and the crucial need for mental care for both sides of this story.

© Alinne Rezende - Image from the The last letter: what remains behind photography project
i

December, 6th, 2021, exactly this date, 9 years ago, she committed suicide. Ever since this is not been such an easy day. There is always something to trigger me: memories, a coincidence, any small detail. And like that, emotions come to the surface, making me vulnerable

© Alinne Rezende - Image from the The last letter: what remains behind photography project
i

A fancy box of a high school prize that we won, now with the scars of time and absence. But the truth is I didn't bury her. I buried all the memories, instead, just to avoid all the pain. Just not to face the reality. And how I missed all that memories, how could I deny all that love, joyful memories that are undeniably part of who I am?

© Alinne Rezende - Image from the The last letter: what remains behind photography project
i

Val and I going up Mount Lycabettus, also known as Lycabettos in Athens. My hair blows into the frame, the only walk we didn't talk much, as the uphill and the sun were given it an extra challenge to get on the top. This year completes 25 years we've all met! And life has given me and Val a little reunion in Europe. You should have been there, we talked, eat, walked a lot, talk more, we've talked about you. It's amazing what all those years put us through, it was nice to remember those girls, to see how they grew, and that they are still here somehow.

© Alinne Rezende - Image from the The last letter: what remains behind photography project
i

December, 6th, 2021, exactly this date, 9 years ago, she committed suicide. Ever since this is not been such an easy day. There is always something to trigger me: memories, a coincidence, any small detail. And like that, emotions come to the surface, making me vulnerable. One more year. Overlayed with a self-portrait made on her death anniversary, Sayuri's handwritten letter that she gave me in 2000saying "I'm cheering for you so much. Because you deserve it. You deserve it for the friendly, sweet, and caring person that you are. I hope you achieve all your dreams and goals and remember: never give up. Be very, really very happy! And please, never forget me, ok? From your friend who loves you very much. PS Thanks for everything, my friend. Huge thanks!"

© Alinne Rezende - Image from the The last letter: what remains behind photography project
i

Me in my bedroom, surrounded by darkness. Also surrounded by a stripe of light and colorful sparkling spotlights. And just like this is, everything is here, in and out. How many more people will be stuck in the deepness of your mind alone? Loneliness, fear of infection, suffering, and death for oneself and for loved ones, grief after bereavement, and financial worries have also all been cited as stressors leading to anxiety and depression especially now during the pandemic. Accordingly to the World Health Organization (WHO), concerns about potential increases in mental health conditions had already prompted 90% of countries surveyed to include mental health and psychosocial support in their COVID-19 response plans, but major gaps and concerns remain.

© Alinne Rezende - Image from the The last letter: what remains behind photography project
i

Photo from November, 18th, 2000, our last year at GV (technical high school), Joy, Val, Sil, and I. Val showed me this photo in Athens and shared it with me. Araçoiaba da Serra

© Alinne Rezende - Image from the The last letter: what remains behind photography project
i

I've always known my choices had two sides, my absence also left some scars. I could realize that so clearly today. Do you remember the times I took my guitar to school? Here it is! Looking unforgivably at me demanding about my absence. I had to leave it behind while I was walking around the world. Today it brings out the marks of my shortage, of the days I wasn't there to take its care, of days I wasn't there to notice the warping of its wood. Before I could clearly see, the traces of your absence in me. The ones that I avoided, the ones that I denied until I couldn't lie to myself about it anymore. It became so clear! How selfish I was. What about the marks my absence left on others? What about all the days I was gone? All that just takes me back to my "what if"s that torment me since that phone call... These are the things that blame me, that blamed me and probably always will blame me... The worst "what if" - what if I hadn't been so absent? And what does it matter now? Now what

© Alinne Rezende - Image from the The last letter: what remains behind photography project
i

My old bedroom, and the very first letter I wrote you after you were gone. Back in Cyprus for the first time after the pandemic, the first time after therapy due to anxiety attacks, the moment that really made me think of you. You have helped me so much these last few years. The denial phase is gone, I guess now I can understand how much pain you should have been in, how much agony and heaviness you probably felt, much more than what I did. Back in my old bedroom, I remember myself here, dealing with the news of your suicide. Dealing is a way of saying, 'cause it took me all those years to face it, to look at it, to really try to cope with it. I have missed you, but I suppressed even that, cause I couldn't think about how everything ended, it took me too long to start to understand I had to forgive you, and most of all, I had to forgive myself.

© Alinne Rezende - Image from the The last letter: what remains behind photography project
i

More than 700 000 people die due to suicide every year. For every suicide there are many more people who attempt suicide. A prior suicide attempt is the single most important risk factor for suicide in the general population. Suicide is the fourth leading cause of death among 15-19 year-olds. 77% of global suicides occur in low- and middle-income countries. Ingestion of pesticide, hanging and firearms are among the most common methods of suicide globally.

© Alinne Rezende - Image from the The last letter: what remains behind photography project
i

An old high school picture of us, all the old things I still have, the ones that brought me so much pain cause you were gone like that, now starts to reconnect me back with our old sweet memories. Those I didn't dare to look at because of all the heaviness I couldn't deal with throughout these years. Those there are now washed with time and awareness.

© Alinne Rezende - Image from the The last letter: what remains behind photography project
i

Challenges and obstacles Stigma and taboo Stigma, particularly surrounding mental disorders and suicide, means many people thinking of taking their own life or who have attempted suicide are not seeking help and are therefore not getting the help they need. The prevention of suicide has not been adequately addressed due to a lack of awareness of suicide as a major public health problem and the taboo in many societies to openly discuss it. To date, only a few countries have included suicide prevention among their health priorities and only 38 countries report having a national suicide prevention strategy. Raising community awareness and breaking down the taboo is important for countries to make progress in preventing suicide. Data quality Globally, the availability and quality of data on suicide and suicide attempts is poor. Only some 80 Member States have good-quality vital registration data that can be used directly to estimate suicide rates. This problem of poor-quality mortality data is not unique to suicide, but given the sensitivity of suicide – and the illegality of suicidal behavior in some countries – it is likely that under-reporting and misclassification are greater problems for suicide than for most other causes of death. WHO

© Alinne Rezende - Letter from Sayuri, she delivered to me on December 2000 on our last day at High School, before our graduation.
i

Letter from Sayuri, she delivered to me on December 2000 on our last day at High School, before our graduation.

© Alinne Rezende - Image from the The last letter: what remains behind photography project
i

Now, looking back, I realize how hard all the experience was for me, how I stifled all that weird and indescribable feeling that insisted to stay with me. Unconsciously, my mind was trying to find a way out while I couldn't, I was just waiting for all of this to go away. I stayed in denial for years. This photo was the first road trip after she died. I stayed weeks without talking to anyone, the very first time I completely ignored all the social media, just to not face all the comments, just not to be aware and confirm the fact. And even a road trip, something that I love so much to do, suddenly it just wasn't my happy place anymore. I was unconsciously in a deep griefing.

© Alinne Rezende - Image from the The last letter: what remains behind photography project
i

View of Athens and Acropolis from Mount Lycabettus, also known as Lycabettos. This year completes 25 years we've all met! And life has given me and Val a little reunion in Europe. You should have been there, we talked, eat, walked a lot, talk more, we've talked about you. It's amazing what all those years put us through, it was nice to remember those girls, to see how they grew, and that they are still here somehow. Athens Greece

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