I Went On A Holiday To The Country You Fled From

This photo series examines the extent to which identities limit our freedoms, our ability to live an individual life and the development of our self-expression. To address this, Dutch photographer Iris Haverkamp Begemann joined forces with Mexican writer and trans woman Alejandra Ortiz. Together they were able to use the freedom that is linked with Iris’s her identity as a cis-gender woman to create a series which draws attention to the dangerous conditions transgender people face in Mexico. In other words; Iris went on holiday to the country which Alejandra fled from in order to create a portrait of modern global identity and the paradoxes of freedom.

Mexico is often thought of as vacation paradise, but it’s also acknowledged as one of the world’s deadliest countries for transgender people. Alejandra fled to The Netherlands in search of safety seven years ago, but her residence permit has been recurrently denied by the Dutch Immigration and Naturalisation Service (IND), which deems Mexico as safe. Alejandra has found a safe haven with her chosen family in the Netherlands, building a community among other trans refugees from Latin America. But as long as she is left waiting for her residence permit, she feels she cannot truly be herself or live freely.

"You can be my ears and my eyes, basically you'll be touching the same earth, breathing the same air that I breathed when I was little."

Led by these words and hand-printed maps drawn from Alejandra’s memory, Iris traveled to Mexico to visit meaningful locations from her childhood. The map guided Iris to places where Alejandra felt both loved and cared for, but also extremely unsafe, marginalized and rejected by her own family. As a documentary photographer, this project is an investigation as to how Iris, with her identity, could approach such a sensitive and deeply personal subject matter in a respectful way. Shown alongside Alejandra’s personal messages and childhood stories, the photo series presents a visual diary capturing Alejandra’s memories of a birthplace she had to leave behind, and to which she cannot return.

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© Iris Haverkamp Begemann - Image from the I Went On A Holiday To The Country You Fled From photography project
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Dad Julian “Just like my dad wears cowboy boots because that’s what a cowboy should wear, I wear my heels because in my mind, I’ve got an idea about what a woman is: A woman wears heels. My father and I, we both are conditioned by strict and binary gender roles.”

© Iris Haverkamp Begemann - Image from the I Went On A Holiday To The Country You Fled From photography project
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Salitral de Carrera “I’ve walked on these streets many times, but sometimes there was no escaping the bullies and I had to hide. There were a lot of boys during the day, boys around my age and older. They used to chase me and throw stones, they routinely insulted and beat me. One time, this guy put a firecracker on my back and it exploded. Maybe I still have the mark. I don't know. The women or the girls, the older people, they were not as mean, but they would laugh, or make mean remarks about me.”

© Iris Haverkamp Begemann - Image from the I Went On A Holiday To The Country You Fled From photography project
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Grandma’s zaguán “I used to sit on this zaguán (a Mexican porch), when I was little, during warm summer nights, with my grandmother. She used to tell me stories about her life and the village. She was the only one who remembered my birthday and didn’t think of me as the devil.” I am sure my grandma knew I was different. When I was around 12, I used to open this closet and found female clothes from the ‘70s. I used to dance alone to the soundtrack of Saturday Night Fever (in her house I found old vinyls with beautiful music). I imagined myself attending a fancy party, dressed in a caftan, just like in the ‘60s movies shown every Sunday on TV. She caught me dancing in those clothes several times, I don't know why, but she never said anything.”

© Iris Haverkamp Begemann - Image from the I Went On A Holiday To The Country You Fled From photography project
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Grandma’s clock “This clock was brought by my uncle Chuy from the USA back in the ‘80s, it was different from the clocks they made in Mexico, which were more rustic. Sometimes I used to connect it because my grandma never connected it. I used to connect it just so I could see these little lights going because I thought they were very beautiful. When you live in a world in which things are really brown and grey, dusty and rusty, you want shiny things. The US and capitalism in general are this very shiny thing that pulls you in. This clock represented a better, brighter future.”

© Iris Haverkamp Begemann - Image from the I Went On A Holiday To The Country You Fled From photography project
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Mesquite trees in the village’s only park “Several times boys—around my age and older—hung me from a mesquite tree upside down and hit me for like 2 hours. Adults who were passing by found it cute and funny. Back then, I didn't think much of it. It was simply a fact of life. I went to kindergarten when I was five with one of them. But the more I grew up, and the more obvious it was that I was not straight, the further apart and more hateful he and the rest became.”

© Iris Haverkamp Begemann - Image from the I Went On A Holiday To The Country You Fled From photography project
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Dad Julian and mum Conchita “These are my parents, I haven't lived with them since I was 17. Looking at this picture, I cannot reconcile that these sweet documentary-like people are the same ones who made me feel so unworthy, so unloved, so unprotected.”

© Iris Haverkamp Begemann - Image from the I Went On A Holiday To The Country You Fled From photography project
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Mum Conchita “Days ago, I called my mom and she said that she loves me. For years I longed to hear those words. But now, I felt so void of feelings, it made me feel dry. What was the point? I'm already on the other side of the world, and there is an ocean between us.”

© Iris Haverkamp Begemann - Image from the I Went On A Holiday To The Country You Fled From photography project
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Dad Julian “One time my dad was crossing the border to go to the U.S. and the coyote (people smuggler) said to him “put some tennis shoes on so you can run.” He went running through the border on cowboy boots. When I visit my dear friend Willemijn in Limburg and we walk up and down the hills, I wear these heeled boots. I didn't want to be like them (my parents). It’s very confronting to become more and more like my dad.”

© Iris Haverkamp Begemann - Image from the I Went On A Holiday To The Country You Fled From photography project
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No to abortion “And then there are these images against abortion made by ardent Catholic people. They look so pretty, right? Like you almost feel like no-abortion is the way to go. Look how beautiful. The Virgin Mary and the Nativity set are so beautiful too. But at the same time, it makes me reflect. When I was little, a woman was known to have an abortion, the whole village stopped talking to her. Not only was she a sinner for having sex while unmarried, now she was also a murderer.”

© Iris Haverkamp Begemann - Image from the I Went On A Holiday To The Country You Fled From photography project
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Laguna del Salitral (Salt lake) “This is the salt lake viewed from the cemetery. Water has always made me feel relaxed. I think it's because I come from the desert, where it rarely rains. Water used to relax me and make me happy. I used to walk in places where there were no people a lot; in those isolated places no one would bother me. I know this landscape by heart. Even during the rainy season, the lake is very shallow, so I would roll my pants up and walk in the water. This image is my favourite. One day, when I have a home myself, I hope I can frame it and hang it on my wall.”

© Iris Haverkamp Begemann - Image from the I Went On A Holiday To The Country You Fled From photography project
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Machismo and religion “So this image confronts me with my dad, who was very vain, very irresponsible, narcissistic, who used to beat my mother and who left us hungry. Both my parents were so vain, they had a toothbrush to brush their teeth. I didn't have my first toothbrush till I was 16. It's no coincidence that when dating, I choose men that are like him. Because that's what I know.”

© Iris Haverkamp Begemann - Image from the I Went On A Holiday To The Country You Fled From photography project
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Machismo and religion pt. 2 “The sunlight is beautiful, but it's the shadows that I don’t like in this image. Shadows are sneaky. You cannot catch a shadow. If you catch something, then you get a hold of it. You more or less can play around it. But shadows become so sneaky. This image is a metaphor for the repressive influence machismo and religious culture has had on me.”

© Iris Haverkamp Begemann - Image from the I Went On A Holiday To The Country You Fled From photography project
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Circus in town “When I was 13, a circus came to the village. One of the performers in the circus was a person who wore make up but who looked so androgynous, it caused a stir in the whole village. At that moment, I knew I wanted to join a circus.”

© Iris Haverkamp Begemann - Image from the I Went On A Holiday To The Country You Fled From photography project
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Boy “When I was little, I wore a similar outfit for festivities (Revolution or Independence day) like the boy in this photo."

© Iris Haverkamp Begemann - Girl "Secretly, I dreamt of wearing the girl's outfit in the photo on this photo.”
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Girl "Secretly, I dreamt of wearing the girl's outfit in the photo on this photo.”

© Iris Haverkamp Begemann - Image from the I Went On A Holiday To The Country You Fled From photography project
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Sister Yuliana “I was already 20 when my sister Yuli was born. I was already in the U.S. I was already doing drugs and sex work when she was born. Part of me feels she has everything that I didn't have. She had braces and her birthday was celebrated every year. She didn't have to wait till she was 16 to brush her teeth. It used to make me feel very upset that my parents have the ability to be good parents. Very angry. Why her and not me? But the more time I spend here in the Netherlands away from them, the more nonsensical that is. I mean, at one point, I had to make peace with the past.”

© Iris Haverkamp Begemann - Image from the I Went On A Holiday To The Country You Fled From photography project
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Nephew Julian “Even though I’ve only met my nephew Julian through facetime, he reminds me so much of me. My little nephew is named after my father, in the family there is a lot of recycling of names. Hopefully Julian won't inherit my father’s bad habits.”

© Iris Haverkamp Begemann - Image from the I Went On A Holiday To The Country You Fled From photography project
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The Virgin Mary / Our Lady of Guadalupe “In a society like that of Mexico, a woman's virginity is her most valued card. This is especially strong in small villages like mine, where women must remain virgins to the day they marry. My parents guard my sister with so much care, they want her to marry well. But for this she must remain virgin. The same was never expected of any of my brothers.”

© Iris Haverkamp Begemann - Image from the I Went On A Holiday To The Country You Fled From photography project
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Father Julian with his grandson Julian “Apparently my dad is such an adorable grandpa, so different from how he was as a father. Just like I remember my grandpa being adorable with me, all the while my aunts used to say that he used to beat them. Grandpa died when I was 9. Out of over 50 grandchildren, I was his favourite. He was perfect to me. I think age tames people.”

© Iris Haverkamp Begemann - Image from the I Went On A Holiday To The Country You Fled From photography project
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Cementerio del Salitral (cemetery) “This image shows 3 things that bring peaceful memories, the salt lake, the cemetery and crowns for Day of the Dead. The cemetery was my other haven, people didn't go there so it was also a place of safety for me. After grandpa died, I used to bring mezcal and “condoches” ( a certain type of bread baked every 1 November) to his grave. Until not long ago, I used to dream of him and grandma (who died in 2002). This image represents hope and rebirth.”

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