How Does It Feel Like to Be A Fat Person?

Dates

2022 - Ongoing
Author

Arjuna Asa
Location Indonesia, Indonesia

“They are fat and they deserve to be shamed. Only by being shamed will they want to change their body.”

I was saddened to listen to some of the remarks from someone that is close to me. They don’t seem to understand what most fat people have been through – the pressure, the negative commentary, the hatred given to their existence. Amidst the rise of movements such as body positivity and fat acceptance, and the rise of – what seemingly somewhat – (inclusive) representation of fat people in the media industry, I ask myself questions, “How does it feel like to be a fat person? Why such movements of body acceptance exist in the first place?"

In this first phase of the series, I reconstruct the experiences of four individuals who embody fat bodies and who used to have fat bodies. This reconstruction serves as an illustration as well as observation to look upon a fat person’s positionality within society. Intersection of stories emerges, such as how school is not the safe place for fat kids, dieting effect, how family relationships eroded, experience on dating apps, and masculinities. To reconstruct these experiences is to show that we are not merely numbers or objects of endless debate, but we highlight to the audience that we are human who can feel hurt by the negative words and actions.

I use still life and portrait to examine objectification and how it is correlated to the experiences of fat person. Memories and feelings of the experiences are represented by the subjects portraitures as well as objects of association near them and in still life. Throughout the making of this series, I use process of collaboration and discussion with the subjects to ensure comfortability and accurate representation.

© Arjuna Asa - Image from the How Does It Feel Like to Be A Fat Person? photography project

i

Hanna, part 1: Pop A Balloon! - Throughout her school years, Hanna had remembered several mockery and commentary from her friends. In Junior High-school, she heard her friends talking about her: “‘Oh wow, Hanna body is so big like a balloon, I want to pop it’”

© Arjuna Asa - Image from the How Does It Feel Like to Be A Fat Person? photography project

i

Hanna, part 2: Diet, Pills, and Acupuncture - When Hanna was in junior high school, her mother became concerned about Hanna’s body. Hanna then undergoes diets everyday, cuts many portions of food intake, and drinks protein-shaker from the diet company plans. At night, she wasn’t allowed to eat any heavy course, but she was allowed to drink yoghurt. Everyday, she also drank diet pills. These pills were given by an acupuncture staff. She went to do acupuncture every week after her school time for weight loss. She remembered that the acupuncture needle was joined by a little bit of electricity, so there was a tingling sensation on the body parts. At one point, Hanna recounted that she always felt not well and dizzy everyday due to doing all these methods. She couldn’t focus on her time studying at school. Later on, she asked her mother to stop doing this to her.

© Arjuna Asa - Image from the How Does It Feel Like to Be A Fat Person? photography project

i

Hanna, part 3: Fat Kid Must Run! - Hanna loved doing sports. Her favorite sport is basketball and she loves to walk. But, she became self-conscious and insecure doing exercise or sports after her PE teacher almost ruled that all fat students must run several kilometers before joining the PE class. Hanna felt alienated and she felt there's this barrier between the fat and nonfat kids in her class. After that, she always felt like a burden if she got grouped with non-fat kids in PE class. She told her mother about the PE teacher's plan and her mother went to school to complain. The rule wasn't implemented. Until now, she still feels insecure and not confident when doing exercise in public spaces, such as when she hits the gym.

© Arjuna Asa - Image from the How Does It Feel Like to Be A Fat Person? photography project

i

Hanna, part 4: A TV Show called "The Biggest Hanna" - Since a little, Hanna was exposed to many TV reality shows, but one in particular shapes her ways of seeing her body. That TV reality show (The show title is abbreviated as “TBL”) depicts fat people undergo extreme weight loss. At the same time, there were ideas in her school spoken by her friends that when a girl undergoes puberty, they will transform into a thinner, prettier self. There were also ideas about how if you play hola hoop often, the desired body will be met too. “Well, that transformation didn’t happen to me,” Hanna recounted.

© Arjuna Asa - Image from the How Does It Feel Like to Be A Fat Person? photography project

i

Bibil, part 1: The Inner Fat-Child - Bibil told many stories regarding experiences about bodily identity and its commentary. Most of the stories are recounted from the past, her childhood, but she illustrates the effects of it until now. There are many things comes from childhood, from the feeling like a "shadow" in her family in comparison to other family members, told to internalized that fat women will not have partner when still a kid, hearing comments about body as ice breaking when meeting people, complication to her unconscious perception regarding what love is, what is being loved, and self-acceptance. This photo symbolizes her inner child, parts of her, whether it is when she's fat, or when she has lost weight. These are all parts of her that experienced everything in regards of her body. She said to me that she still felt hurt from all of the experiences that happened to her. Though, she is now on her journey of forgiving and accepting.

© Arjuna Asa - Image from the How Does It Feel Like to Be A Fat Person? photography project

i

Bibil, part 2: I Am Not The Winner of My Past Self - Throughout her childhood, Bibil couldn’t have any decent conversation with her mother. No topics to communicate except about her body, diet, and losing weight, while telling her to be confident, which was hard for Bibil to become one. Bibil’ve learned to hate her body since. When Bibil lost her weight in 2021 due to health concerns, her mother began to compliment her while comparing her to the old-bigger her. She felt hurt knowing that after she told her mother about her uncomfortable feelings wherever her mother pin-pointed at her body, what she wanted was for her mother to accept her regardless of her shape or size, the old or the new her, the bigger or leaner. Bibil never felt better, prettier, or even a winner of her past. She believes that her past self are still parts of her and she asked, “if she chose to love me now because I’m much leaner than I was before, who’s the one that’s gonna love the old me then?”

© Arjuna Asa - Image from the How Does It Feel Like to Be A Fat Person? photography project

i

Bibil, part 2: The Staring Eyes - Until now, Bibil cannot weigh herself through the scales if there's anyone else. When Bibil was in elementary school, she went to her sister's friend's house. There, her sister and the friend weigh themselves on the scales. They started to compare each other's weight, they said they were fat and gaining more weight, while they were not fat. Then, Bibil tried the scale to weigh her body. There was huge silence and her sister and friends changed the subject suddenly. Bibil was bewildered, worrying about what they were thinking of her. So, until now, she tried to avoid situations like that.

© Arjuna Asa - Image from the How Does It Feel Like to Be A Fat Person? photography project

i

Arjuna, part 1: Hangers - When he was in junior high school, Arjuna felt like he was at his most insecure about his body. He recounted how he didn't feel like he deserved to style himself, or that it was hard for him to search for clothes that suited his size. When he found clothes that fit him, he used to buy the same type with different colors. Fitting room, he recounted, was a scary place. He always got anxious when entering or walking down the aisle of the fitting room, as if everyone else judged him, "what if I am laughed at right now as I try this on?"

© Arjuna Asa - Image from the How Does It Feel Like to Be A Fat Person? photography project

i

Arjuna, part 2: The Norms of Masculine Body - Arjuna uses dating apps often. He uses it for potential romance and encounters. But there, he had received several body shaming messages in there, such as "Your face’s cute. Your body though… Yuck" or "Your hair and body looks disgusting, you look like that giant mythical creature, Buto Ijo". Arjuna recounted that in the dating app, there's this dominant construction of what a male desired body looks like: It is lean, hairless, and muscular. He also did research for his bachelor thesis regarding this topic. He found that this dominant construction of the body is rooted in the hegemonic masculinity that is circulated in society.

© Arjuna Asa - Image from the How Does It Feel Like to Be A Fat Person? photography project

i

Arjuna, part 3: Fake Laugh at The Gatherings - Arjuna recounted that body commentary often done by everyone especially in gatherings. The photo illustrates one of Arjuna's experiences in Eid family gathering in 2021, where some family members joked about his body size and the food he ate, such as pizza and traditional rice cake folded in leaf. He said that these kinds of jokes and comments often happen not only by family members, but also from strangers. Once, he got comments from strangers saying that "you will look handsome if you lose that belly" when buying coconut water. He expressed that he had felt numb due to all the comments. But, he often faking a laugh, trying to look polite and okay.

© Arjuna Asa - Image from the How Does It Feel Like to Be A Fat Person? photography project

i

Fadil, part 1: Target of Bullying - Fadil used to have a fat body throughout his childhood. He recounted that he often became the object of bullying by his friends, upperclassmen, and underclassmen in school. He is mocked by calling names such as "Mr. Fatso". He even recalled that a male friend used to always pinch him on his breast area. Once, his friends made him go to the local mart to buy them cigarettes but they took his pants so he only wore his boxers. Everyday, he thought, "What will they do to me today? What kind of mockery would I receive today?" and at some point, he asked his parents if he could have homeschooling instead of going to school due to the bullying that is often done by his school's friends. He told me the effects of this bullying are still present now. He mostly felt inferior and not confident, especially when doing group activities in work and other contexts.

© Arjuna Asa - Image from the How Does It Feel Like to Be A Fat Person? photography project

i

Fadil, part 2: Mocked Like Animals - Fadil recounted that when he was fat, he often was mocked, associating him with animals. A friend used to mock him by treating and calling him like as if he's a cat in school. Once, many of his male friends changed their blackberry messenger profile pictures to a picture of a pig, but the pig face was changed to Fadil's face.

© Arjuna Asa - Image from the How Does It Feel Like to Be A Fat Person? photography project

i

Fadil, part 3: History of The Boxer - In school, Fadil got bullied by his male friends. He then tried to avoid playing with the male friends, and he began to play with female friends. But the male friends began to comment and make jokes about him playing with the girls. Fadil had to think to stop this from happening. So, he thought that by joining a "popular" hangout group with the male friends, he would stop getting bullied. But it turns out, the bullying didn't stop. There were these activities that the hangout group often did, that was to fight with other school's hangout group kids, and spar with each other. There were views that fat men are weak. So Fadil thought if he wanted this bullying to stop, he got to join boxing for training to fight, so that he could gain respect. Once, they fought with kids from other school's kids. Fadil tried to fight them, but ended up losing and had his face beaten up. One day, the boxing place offered Fadil to join a boxing competition. Fadil got matched with someone from Jakarta who is a very famous boxer. When hearing the news, Fadil's friends weren't being supportive of him. But then, Fadil won the match. At that exact moment, the bullying stopped. No one bullied Fadil ever since.

Latest Projects

Project

La Otra Orilla
Project

Weapon of Choice
Project

BILE
Project

Geographical Lore
Project

Fluorite Fantasia (Looking For My Father...)
Project

Bed Checks