AEDIS: on longing and LOSS

Dates

2014 - Ongoing
Author

Johanne Rahaman
Topics Daily Life, Documentary, Portrait
Location Trinidad and Tobago, Trinidad and Tobago

AEDIS - on longing and loss

In 2013, my 33 year old nephew, Salim was murdered, his body dumped in a ditch where it was discovered a couple days later. When I got the news I got on a flight home - my first trip since I left for America in 1996. Salim was the first grandchild, the first of the nephews and nieces, the first child of my first sibling. He left behind a wife, and two young daughters, and he brought me back to homeland and reunited me with my past.

My arrival home was like landing on a strange planet, populated with people who looked like me, knew my name, yet we were complete strangers collectively in mourning for a loved one whose face I had forgotten. I was once the outsider who never fit in when I left home, and now I had returned even more an outsider, but with deep longing for connection and familiarity. I found neither, yet I continue to return home, scouring the memories of family photos and staying in small shared spaces with my siblings, observing their closeness and camaraderie, and my distance from them.

AEDIS explores identity, migration and memory within my family unit, examining the imbalance of life as an immigrant in my home; America, and returning an immigrant in my homeland; Trinidad, and that struggle to reconcile where I belong. Underlying this work is an exhaustive and unfulfilled longing for connection and acceptance within country and family. The images are voyeuristic in nature, revealing my status there as the constant outsider, a stranger in a familiar place, looking for traces of self.

© Johanne Rahaman - Image from the AEDIS: on longing and LOSS photography project

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My then 33 year old nephew, Salim Muhammad who was murdered in 2013. It was after this that I bought a ticket home for my first trip since I left in 1996. Salim was the first of all my nephews and nieces. He left behind 2 daughters. In this photograph, taken in November 2018, is a photo of Salim on the bed of his younger daughter Nadira. Nadira always sleeps with his photo next to her for comfort and protection. Arouca, Trinidad 2018

© Johanne Rahaman - Image from the AEDIS: on longing and LOSS photography project

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My great-niece, Nadira with her mother Sheryl Pollard. She spent a few weeks after the first surgery to remove a tumor on her pancreas and liver, at San Fernando General Hospital. San Fernando, Trinidad 2017

© Johanne Rahaman - Image from the AEDIS: on longing and LOSS photography project

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I took a break from being at the hospital all day with Nadira on my visit, and walked through the streets of San Fernando. There I saw this vendor selling blankets - so I bought one to keep Nadira warm in the hospital. The vendor sells clothing and shoes on the sidewalk on Coffee Street - her toddler stays with her all day and night as she sells. San Fernando, Trinidad 2017

© Johanne Rahaman - Image from the AEDIS: on longing and LOSS photography project

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My nephew Ishmael Muhammad, on his way to the corner store. After Salim died, our family struggled to find answers, but none more so than his siblings. Ishmael who was already battling early alcoholism drank even more to cope loss. Laventille, Trinidad 2016

© Johanne Rahaman - Image from the AEDIS: on longing and LOSS photography project

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Salim's youngest brother, Hatim Muhammad paints the home that his cousin Neisha shares with her boyfriend George and George's mother. Hatim's spiral began soon after Salim's death - he ended up in the juvenile detention center, and Golden Grove Prison. Since his release in 2017, he has settled into a new life - owning a small shop at his parents home, where he sells snacks and juices. He has developed a new reputation - one for helping everyone in the area with odd jobs. Laventille, Trinidad 2018

© Johanne Rahaman - Image from the AEDIS: on longing and LOSS photography project

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My great-nephew Kadir, at home of my sister Rashida and her husband Abdul. Always a joyful child, Kadir, seems to be approaching his teenage years with much more seriousness. Laventille, Trinidad 2016

© Johanne Rahaman - A view of the porch and garden at home of brother Courtenay Rahaman. Diego Martin, Trinidad 2016

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A view of the porch and garden at home of brother Courtenay Rahaman. Diego Martin, Trinidad 2016

© Johanne Rahaman - My nephew Abdul picks cashews off the tree at home of brother Courtenay. Diego Martin, Trinidad 2016

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My nephew Abdul picks cashews off the tree at home of brother Courtenay. Diego Martin, Trinidad 2016

© Johanne Rahaman - My sister Sharon Rahaman, in the children's room at the home of brother Courtenay. Diego Martin, Trinidad 2016

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My sister Sharon Rahaman, in the children's room at the home of brother Courtenay. Diego Martin, Trinidad 2016

© Johanne Rahaman - My sister Dianne Miller, in the living room of my sister Sharon. El Socorro, Trinidad 2016

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My sister Dianne Miller, in the living room of my sister Sharon. El Socorro, Trinidad 2016

© Johanne Rahaman - My sister Dianne Miller irons for her granddaughter Mya, as she prepares her for school. San Juan,Trinidad 2016

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My sister Dianne Miller irons for her granddaughter Mya, as she prepares her for school. San Juan, Trinidad 2016

© Johanne Rahaman - My sister Dianne Miller combs the hair of her granddaughter Mya, as she prepares for school. San Juan,Trinidad 2016

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My sister Dianne Miller combs the hair of her granddaughter Mya, as she prepares for school. San Juan, Trinidad 2016

© Johanne Rahaman - Image from the AEDIS: on longing and LOSS photography project

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A snacks vendor under the bus route near Mount Hope Memorial Hospital. After taking Mya to school, my sister Dianne and I walked back to the main road and stopped under the Priority Bus Route to buy snacks. Mt Hope, Trinidad 2016

© Johanne Rahaman - My niece, Neisha Quashie with her boyfriend's mother, at the home they share on Belgrade Street.Laventille, Trinidad, 2018

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My niece, Neisha Quashie with her boyfriend's mother, at the home they share on Belgrade Street. Laventille, Trinidad, 2018

© Johanne Rahaman - Image from the AEDIS: on longing and LOSS photography project

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My brother Keith, known in the area as Birdman, due to his ownership of birds all his life. He recently retired from his job at the county, and now spends his time catching up with technology, including his discovery of a cellphone app that allows you to play a steelpan on your phone. Keith, like most Trinidadians, is a self-taught pannist, without the ability to read a music score. He hears a song for the first time and is able to play along with it, create variations, and master it. Laventille, Trinidad 2018

© Johanne Rahaman - Image from the AEDIS: on longing and LOSS photography project

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My niece Safiya Rahaman, with her mother Debbie, making Mother's Day lunch at their home in Block 22. Laventille, Trinidad 2016

© Johanne Rahaman - A vegetable and fish vendor at the George Street Market - her granddaughter in the background.Port of Spain, Trinidad 2015

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A vegetable and fish vendor at the George Street Market - her granddaughter in the background. Port of Spain, Trinidad 2015

© Johanne Rahaman - A fruit vendor at the George Street Market. Port of Spain, Trinidad 2015

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A fruit vendor at the George Street Market. Port of Spain, Trinidad 2015

© Johanne Rahaman - A fish vendor at the San Juan Market. San Juan, Trinidad 2016

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A fish vendor at the San Juan Market. San Juan, Trinidad 2016

© Johanne Rahaman - Image from the AEDIS: on longing and LOSS photography project

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Simon Khan with Mrs Baker, the woman who raised him from 2 years old, in the absence of his biological family. Simon is my godson. Maraval, 2017

© Johanne Rahaman - Simon Khan stands out on Saddle Road, waiting for my nephew Leon to come collect me. Maraval, 2017

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Simon Khan stands out on Saddle Road, waiting for my nephew Leon to come collect me. Maraval, 2017

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