the motherhood that wasn't

I’m infertile. While I never wished to be a mother, the concept of infertility is part of my quotidian reality. I question if this is due to social expectations or a biological need. Since having children has never been an intention, my infertility should not cause any emotional conflict, nonetheless, it does. My body, it seems, has failed to conform to the social and biological expectations of a person who was born with a reproductive apparatus. I am yet to find women who share similar emotional conflict, and I question the reason these issues may continue to be contentious. There are other women experiencing similar difficulties, so why do I continue to feel isolated?

With the making of this project, I seek to understand my lived experiences of infertility caused by endometriosis. Using my menstrual blood as a drawing medium, I aim to uncover ways in which it can be used as an aesthetic, political expression that serve as a physical record of catharsis - mourning over the choice I was unable to make rationally, the choice my own body took from me.

My hope for this project is that by chronicling my lived experiences of infertility, I am able to contribute to public discourses by offering a personal view that help erode the perspectives that are subjugated by shame.